WHITHERSOEVER THOU SHALT GO
A PLAY IN ONE ACT.
OPENING SCENE: Altar of Jeffus in a vast hall at the high church of Jeffus in Jeffuston. JEFFUS stands upon a pulpit, a large crowd is gathered in front of him.
JEFFUS: I am Jeffus.
CROWD: All Hail Jeffus! Jeffus the Jefferonymous, defender of Jeffusness, slayer of Jeffenemies and Antijeffusses, rule of Jeffdom, heir to the throne of Jeffingdom, maker of all things Jeffusonian! Long live Jeffus, keeper of the flame of Jeffusence, baker of salted Jeffzles, decorator of Jeffusoodles, author of the Book of Jeffussis, solemn master of the sacred art of Jeffromancy! Oooh, ahhhh, Jeffus! Jeffussssss! Jeh-fusssssssssssss! Ssssssssss.
JEFFUS: Sssssssss. (PAUSES, SIGHS) Enough! Where the hell are my splatz-fozzipectles, dammit?!? Who took them? Somebody borrowed them again without asking! GOD DAMMIT!
CROWD: Oooh, the great Jeffus is angry! Jeffus! Lord Jeffus! He is but like a great cloud of thunderous bromeliad-laden burros braying mightily upon seas of wetted seals and wheels of fetid cheese! Dance in delight for the flames of fire lick the limbs of the impervious oak and boil the seepages of that which waits before the door to the throne laying beyond yonder velvet curtains of sycamore and tropical fruits of candied suculence! Hooray! Hooray! Jeffus has spoken! Our skin trembles in the presence of his holy wrath and damnation!
JEFFUS: (STARES BLANKLY, THEN MUTTERS WITHOUT MOVING LIPS) Holy crap. What a bunch of morons. Please let this be the last time I have to do this. I want to get out of here. (STEPS FORWARD) CITIZENS OF JEFFUSTON, REJOICE! IT IS A JOYOUS DAY, A DAY FOR ALL THINGS JEFFUS! ARISE, LIFT YOUR FACES UPWARD! REJOICE, I SAY, REJOICE!
CROWD: (WILD SCREAMING ERUPTS, BODIES SHAKING, FROLICKING, LAUGHTER, DANCING, SKIPPING, YELLING "JEFFUS! JEFFUS!") (PLAYING SIMULTANEOUSLY: OOM-PAH BRASS BAND, FIFE BRIGADE, SMALL CYMBALS, DIXIELAND JAZZ, GLOCKENSPIEL, SOUSA MARCH, A CAPELLA MEN'S AND WOMEN'S CHORUSES, BEATBOX)
JEFFUS: (EATS FISTFUL OF ANTACIDS. TURNS, EXITS STAGE RIGHT)
